Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Autumn #braindetox day three.... scuppering myself

There is no getting away from it. I am a self-sabotager deep at heart.   So deep it is unto my bones.

If I say I will do something, I immediately clam up inside and look for ways to make doing that thing difficult.  Even if it is something that I want to do. Such as Betty's #braindetox.

I really, honestly want to give this a go. To clear the heaviness and negativity from my mind, and open myself up to enjoyment of simple things. To find glory in the small, good things in my life. The things I sweep by usually in the grind of everyday minutiae.

It is NOT HARD. It is simple.  Four things each day.

Look at the sky
Move your body

What is hard about that?  Nothing surely.... but I have an endless capacity to make things complicated.  So my head decided that in order to do these simple things, I had to stop doing the things that I love but that I know blinker me from seeing my Small Good Things.

Things like the time I spend on the computer. Twitter. Facebook. Reading endlessly about food, to the point where I have no time to cook it.   Worrying about what I will write to the point where I can't put pen to paper.  

Oh. I have changed Betty's List of Four to my List of Four

So what does my List of Four look like then? 

Cut down on Computer
Read fewer recipes and blogs
Don't spend all your time worrying
Don't put off working so you can worry about it

Do you notice I've moved from Do to Don't Do?   And do you know what? I can't even do the negative things on this one right. I am now worrying that I am worrying about worrying about...


I spoke briefly to Betty on Twitter today. She advised:

try thinking of it the other way round though - if you do the positive things, you'll automatically push out the others
*meditation teacher hat on* it's because you're trying to force change rather than let it happen. Let yourself enjoy it. Breathe!
Must be right.  I am fretting too much. I am having anxiety dreams, and my left eye is starting to twitch slightly. 

This is ridiculous. Even seeing it in print here makes it sound ridiculous. 

I whined to a friend that I was stuck behind a computer and wasn't getting out and about and loosening up my mind. Now it is true that I have work to do behind the computer, but a lot of the reason I am stuck here is that I am wasting time on stuff so the work doesn't get done until late in the day, instead of shooting through it. I tried a Twitter/FB nogo zone, but I have the Twitter equivalent of Nomophobia I think. So I work at a computer, the computer is on, ergo I nip onto Twitter, waste time that I should have been working, lose impetus, feel guilty, brain fogs even more.

Linda suggested

maybe a daily potter in the garden for 15 minutes would be good ?
Well it has to be worth a try doesn't it? 

 I sound like an emotional teenager not a sensible adult. Yes, I have been like this all my life. Yes, I have tried before to get out of this rut and failed. Yes, I am navel gazing and hating what I find again. Yes, I am now flagellating and blaming myself. 

I may leave this blog post up for a day or two then take it down as just too negative and self-[pitying, or I am decide to leave it up.  We will see. 

No comments:

Post a Comment